百度惹的祸
Best Joke in the world
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Second Place
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, bullet
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Top Joke in England
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Top Joke in Wales
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Top joke in Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
Top joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
世界最佳
两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。没有了呼吸。另外一个人急忙掏出打911。
“我的朋友死了，我该怎么做？”他紧张的大喊。
接线员说：“别那么紧张，我能帮你。首先，要确定他真的死了。”沉寂片刻，传来一声枪响。他回到电话中说：“好了，然后呢？”
世界第二
夏洛克·福尔摩斯和华生医生正在进行一次野营旅行。在吃过晚饭，喝了瓶葡萄酒后，他们便躺下呼呼大睡。
过了不知几个小时，福尔摩斯醒了过来并推醒他最忠诚的朋友，“华生，快看看天空，然后告诉我你能看见什么。”
“我能看见数千万颗星星，福尔”华生回答。
“接下来你能从中推理出什么？”
华生思考了一分钟，“好的，让我逐条说明--
--根据天文学，说明那里可能有数百万个星系和几十亿颗潜藏的行星。
--从占星学角度来说，我观察到土星的位子处于狮子座。
--从钟表学上看，我推测现在的时间大约是3 点一刻。
--就气象学而言，我想明天很可能是晴空万里。
--神学上，我又能深深感到上帝的强大与我们的渺小，有如浮游于天地，沧海之一粟。”
“那你能推理出什么呢，福尔？”
福尔沉默了片刻后。
“华生，你真够白痴的！”他说。“有混蛋把我们的帐篷偷走了！”
Top joke in USA 美国
一天，一个男人和他的朋友正在当地的高尔夫球场打球。当他正准备切球时，看见一支长长的送葬队伍沿着道路方向走来。他的手刚摆到一半，立刻停下来，脱下他的高尔夫球帽，闭上眼睛，深深的鞠躬并默默祈祷。
他的朋友看了说：“喔喔，这是我见过最体贴最感人的事了。你真是个善良的男人。”
那个男人然后说，“是啊，怎么说我们也结婚35年了。”
Top joke in Canada 加拿大
在美国太空总署第一次派太空人上太空时，他们很快发现圆珠笔无法在零重力的情况下工作。为了解决这个问题，美国太空总署花了10年时间和120亿美元研发了一种可以在零重力，倒置，水下，和几乎一切表面包括玻璃上书写，适应温度的范围从0摄氏度到300摄氏度的钢笔。而俄国人用铅笔
Top joke in Australia 澳大利亚
一个女人急冲冲的找到她的大夫，样子非常的焦虑，而且神情恍惚。她紧张兮兮的说，“大夫，快看看我。我今早起来的时候，我看镜子里的自己。我的头发一根根好像生锈的金属丝一样，我的皮肤苍白满是皱纹，我的眼睛布满血丝，还有小虫子掉出来，这是在我脸上找到的虫子尸体！我到底怎么了，大夫！？”
医生接过虫子尸体，给她检查几分钟。然后平静的说，“还好，我只能告诉你，你的眼睛没有任何问题....”
Top joke in UK 英国
一个女人抱着她的孩子搭上一辆巴士。司机说，“那是我见过的最丑的小孩了，呃咯！”那个女人生气的走到巴士后排坐下。她对身旁的一个男人抱怨到，“刚才司机在侮辱我！”那个男人说：“你直接过去，叫他闭嘴。你去吧，猴子我帮你抱着。”
top Joke in England 英格兰岛
两个男人坐在酒吧里。其中一个开始侮辱另一个人。他高声嚷到，“我和你妈睡过！”酒吧里顿时一片寂静，每个人都想听听那个人会怎么反击。他又一次大喊，“我睡过你妈！另一个人说，“你喝醉了，爸，咱回家吧！”
Top Joke in Wales 威尔士
纽约的一只乌龟，当它走在过一条胡同时，被一群蜗牛打劫。警探前来调查，他让乌龟描述下当时的情况。乌龟一脸迷糊的看着警探，回答：“我什么都不知道，事情发生的太快了。”
Top Joke in Northern Ireland 北爱尔兰
医生对病人说，“我有一个坏消息和一个更坏的消息。”“哎呦，妈呀！坏消息是什么？”病人问。医生回答，“你只能活不超过24个小时。”“太可怕了”，病人说，“还能有什么比这还糟？”医生说，“我从昨天开始就一直试图联系你。”
Top joke in Belgium 比利时
为什么鸭子长着蹼脚？
能踩灭火灾
为什么大象是扁平足？
能踩灭着火的鸭子
Top joke in Germany 德国
一个将军注意到他的一个士兵。这个士兵会拿起他找到的任何一张纸，然后不满的说“不是这张”，接着便把它扔到地上再去找。他这样已经持续了一段时间，直到将军安排这个士兵进行心理测试。
结束后，心理学家给这个士兵下的结论是，他疯了。并因此给他开了退役表。
士兵拿起它，微笑着说：“找到了。”
今天我正在看碟，老妈又捧了本书进来，说道：给我讲讲这几句话什么意思 ] |
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