Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了！”

---

　　The Dead of Night
In the dead of night，the dark like a black silk blanket covering the whole town. A taxi driver looked at the darkness and overwhelmed by the sepulchral atmosphere. Suddenly, he felt a chill and decided to drive home after one more passengers. However, at this time, the street was almost clear. He just droved around and saw a white form in the yellow and faint light. A woman was waving toward his taxi. It became so unusual when you see a person in such dark night. A word would easily strike you and stress your nerve: GHOST!
Although frightened, He took a deep breath and stopped by her side. A gust of chilly wind as the women got in the taxi. “Where are you going, madam?” He broke into a cold sweat and asked
The women answered, in a miserable and rumble voice, “Crematory!”
The woman wore black hair long enough to cover her pale white face. In the dark night, her skinny body in a long white blouse was so weak as if the wind would blow her away. Not a single word came out of her blooded red lip when the bus driver was driving. Fifteen minutes had passed, the bus driver was so frighten to drive anymore that he came up with an excuse to drop her. “Madam, the place you are going to is just a few meters ahead. It is inconvenient to turn around at this crossing. If you would excuse me, I would like to stop here.” The woman contented and nodded her head,” How much would it cost?” The driver was so nervous that he insisted that he would not charge her a penny. He said,” It was not easy for a woman to come this far this late. So this trip was for free.” The woman thought for a second and answered, “Thank you!” After that, she opened the door and got out of the car…
The driver was going to start the cab at once. However, after several minutes, he still couldn’t hear the back door shutting down. Thus, he turned his head to have a look. Where was the woman? He got a quick look at everywhere, but nothing. Was she vanished?
Curiously, he got off the taxi to get to the bottom of it. He came around to the unclosed door and slammed it. “How can the woman leave so fast? Is she a …”he mumbled, with his brain washing in a river of fear. When he wanted to leave as soon as possible, a gory hand patted him on the shoulder. With a little light, he could see the blood dripping down from the hand. He sucked in his breath, and jerked his head. The very woman was standing behind him with an ensanguined face. “Uhnnnnh,” she said weakly.
*
*
“Hey, man , please stop the taxi next to somewhere that I can step foot on instead of a ditch!”

---

　　The Mean Man's Party 吝啬鬼餐会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”

Class, Lass and Ass 班级、情人和蠢驴
Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.
Tom教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“Tom教授明天将和大家见面”。
一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。

Very Stupid Robbers 两个笨贼
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧！”
第二个说：“但是我们现在在第13层啊！”第一个尖叫着回敬他：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信！”

Endearing Terms 可爱的称呼
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”

Good News and Bad News! 好消息＆坏消息！
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”
“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。

How Could Anyone Stoop So Low? 哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊?
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提－－他的身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮！一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包！”
我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：
“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”！

---

　　I'm Trying to Stop It

"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"

"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子，你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了吗？”

“没有，老师。可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进，一个耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面。”


“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

“对不起，夫人，为您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”

“20美元！为什么？不是说好只要4美元。”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四个病人吓跑了。”



TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.



老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理。现在，谁给我举个例子？

约翰：嗯，在夏天天都长，在冬天天都短。


The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"


"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".


教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”


“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。
“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”